Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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