I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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