Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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