I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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