yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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