i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
PANTIES FOUND
Randomize
