Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
