You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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