i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
