I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Randomize
