i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
