Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
