So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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