If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
