so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
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