My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
