I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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