Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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