I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
