i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
it was like eating out sand paper
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
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