I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
operation have a gay friend backfired
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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