He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
my shit smells like andre
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
