I puked a lego.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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