all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
