R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
