My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
