The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
