I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
FUCK WHALES
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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