note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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