Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
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