remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
