my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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