Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
