Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
