I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Mom said you looked used
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
