if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Randomize
