you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
