Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
