The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
We had sex on a dog bed..
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
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