I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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