Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
