Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
