I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
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