it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I just gift wrapped bread.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
