I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
