Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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