Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
