My underwear smells like fireworks.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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