you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
