New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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