Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
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