ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
