I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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