Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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